My name is Jami Kastner. I am a mother, an author and (well, up until April, we’ll wait and see what comes now) a business owner.
Usually my ramblings have been centred around the loss of our precious youngest son, Sam, and raising our 2 boys remaining on this earth, one of whom has special needs. Lately, however, my thoughts have turned (obz!) towards Covid, and how we can all possibly survive this intact.
There have been many beautiful moments and insights during these past weeks. Some memories which will always bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. But today was a haaard day, just imagining what’s to come, tired of putting on a brave face, tired, tired, tired. And afraid. And feeling inadequate. There is one thing, one thing, in life that I understand, and i wish i didn’t, and that is grief. The grief of having a firstborn special needs child who will not live the life we all dream of for our children. And then (oh god it just never gets easier, you just get stronger) the grief of losing your youngest beautiful perfect son. The grief of watching your middle son cope with this loss in both directions. What we are dealing with here, my beautiful friends and humans, is collective grief. Allow yourself the time and the space to feel it. Grief is not a competition. Be very very kind to yourselves and also to each other. Don’t judge how others are doing it, or not doing it. Now is a time for great faith, as everything dissolves into the gooey scary mush that is the chrysalis. I have been here before, and have been sent God given signs that a butterfly can, and will, emerge from this.
I hope that somehow my own experience of the painful path through grief and towards healing can help you to find your own way.