Hi there,
My name is Jami Kastner. I am a mother, an author and (well, up until April, we’ll wait and see what comes now) a business owner.
Usually my ramblings have been centred around the loss of our precious youngest son, Sam, and raising our 2 boys remaining on this earth, one of whom has special needs. Lately, however, my thoughts have turned (obz!) towards Covid, and how we can all possibly survive this intact.
There have been many beautiful moments and insights during these past weeks. Some memories which will always bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. But today was a haaard day, just imagining what’s to come, tired of putting on a brave face, tired, tired, tired. And afraid. And feeling inadequate. There is one thing, one thing, in life that I understand, and i wish i didn’t, and that is grief. The grief of having a firstborn special needs child who will not live the life we all dream of for our children. And then (oh god it just never gets easier, you just get stronger) the grief of losing your youngest beautiful perfect son. The grief of watching your middle son cope with this loss in both directions. What we are dealing with here, my beautiful friends and humans, is collective grief. Allow yourself the time and the space to feel it. Grief is not a competition. Be very very kind to yourselves and also to each other. Don’t judge how others are doing it, or not doing it. Now is a time for great faith, as everything dissolves into the gooey scary mush that is the chrysalis. I have been here before, and have been sent God given signs that a butterfly can, and will, emerge from this.
I hope that somehow my own experience of the painful path through grief and towards healing can help you to find your own way.
crazybutterflylady 
TRUE GREATNESS
“A brave spirit struggling with adversity is a spectacle for the Gods”
Seneca
It is not in the glare of glory
When the crowds are at your feet,
Or the city’s bells are pealing
As you mount the victor’s seat.
All that is but a passing show;
A fleeting flash of light;
A rain-drop glistening in the sun,
A shooting star at night.
True greatness lies in what’s not seen,
And all that no-one knows;
The long, dark years of ceaseless toil,
The pain that never shows.
The loneliness and misery,
The heartaches and the fears,
The waiting and the trait’rous doubts,
The constant wearing cares:
The agony of hoping
For a dawn that never comes,
And the mocking face of failure,
And rejection’s down-turned thumbs.
There reigns the greatest glory,
Though roses are not flung:
In valleys where the sun ne’er shines
And victories are not sung.
I wrote this poem some time ago, but after reading your heart-rending words, I thought that, perhaps, you might like to see it. With my very best wishes, Mike (Thurstan Bassett)
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WHAT truly beautiful words and such strength.
But writing gives you strength, as does talking about our pain / fury / depression / hopelessness. Out of it can come some hope perhaps. Hope for a life with less pain; but with warmth in our hearts because we had these wonderful children, even though it was not for as long as we would have wished.
I lost my son (aged 23) 5 years ago. The most rare of rare illness and in 3 weeks he was gone. Lynn and Peter know us and can let you know how we have tried to move on. Why must we move on? Because our sons would want us to and our other kids deserve a great life… They are living!!
Bless you all.
XXX
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I admire all those such faith and the strength to carry on. Also my dear friend Christiane Behrmann lost her son. With her spiritual strength she managed to get in contact with him on the other side and found her peace in that. She is a great artist too, now living in CPT. Visit her http://www.crismanart.com
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Thanks Jami, never doubt your gift. I have read many esoteric books and yours is one of the most inspirational yet, for your honesty and faith. I lost my husband 8 years ago and I keep looking for signs from him. While I was reading your book with tears in my eyes my sprinkler which has been stuck on one direction only for months started doing the right thing. Lasted for a full minute before resuming its bad habits. Surely a sign and he had a wicked sense of humour. I will now look for more signs believing. Xx😇
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Thanks Jane, so nice to hear that the book is helping others to believe. That’s a great sign, your husband sounds like a cool guy 🙂
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Dear Jami,
I stumbled upon your book in a true act of fate. My flight to Durban was delayed for a third time that day. Knowing full well that all was as it was meant to be, I took a stroll to Exclusive books. As I walked in a book caught my eye. Then the title stole a little piece of my heart. By the time I had read the third line of the blurb I was in tears. And this was how I came to own and read, ‘Sam and Me and the Hard Pear Tree’.
Although I have not had a child in this lifetime, a close friend of mine lost her baby while 6 months pregnant. The powerful connection I have felt to her journey and to yours has made me wonder if I have lost a child in a past lifetime. Perhaps with your help I am finally letting go of whatever pain or guilt prevented me from grieving then. (I know I can say these things to you and you won’t report me to the nearest psychiatric institute. Although I have contemplated self admission.)
I would like to thank you for staying true to your journey. Your journey reminds me of why I must continue to pursue my hearts deepest wishes and walk the path set out only for me.
With ♡
Zoë
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Oh Zoe, thank you for this message. I really needed to hear it, I am so glad that I was able to help you in your own journey. Thank you for writing to me, I haven’t opened this blog account for AGES as have not had time to write, and thus been avoiding it. Please pass the book to anyone you think could benefit, I love hearing how Sam has helped others xxx
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Dearest Zoe, thank you for this message. It is amazing how the book will reach those who need to read it. I am so happy that it has helped you in your own journey, that really is the purpose of all of this. Don’t forget to pass the book on to someone else if you think they need to hear it. Thank you for writing to me, it means the world. Love Jami xxx
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Hi Jami. You wont remember me but we were at the hospital together when our sons(your first boy) had their little snip. 🙂 Never got to know you further but I heard about your story and what you and your family went through with your son – I put myself in your shoes, as a mother of 2 kiddies ,this was easy to do, and my heart felt ripped! I am so happy for you and your family that you managed to come out the other side of such an emotionally challenging time still intact.
xx
Carolyn
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Hi Carolyn, that was such a hecticly hard day! I do remember you, thank you for your message. Sometimes I can hardly believe that we are still intact, but we are. We are blessed and Sam is all around us. x
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Dear Jami
Last year my hubby and I rented one of your cottages. It was winter and we felt very brave taking our two elderly staffies on a weekend away. We couldn’t have children – tried all sorts of therapies but just never blessed that’s why the love for our dogs are outrageous. Never thought that same weekend our neighbors in the cottage next door would bring their pit bull. . Hahaha. Anyway fearing a dog fight we stayed mostly indoors making fire drinking lots of wine. Saturday we experienced cabin fever and decided to leave the dogs warm and locked up and went up to the farmhouse for a wine tasting. You and your family and friends just had lunch and it was such a festive occasion. I couldn’t help but laugh when your hubby started drinking from my wine stash that I bought from him 😉 . You shared Sam’s story with us and showed us his beautiful garden. I obviously had no clue until I lost my husband in a motorbike accident in December. I accidentally found out about the book you wrote and just finished reading your experience and the deeper understanding of our fragile lives that you shared. I wanted to say thank you for helping me not ignore the feathers I keep on receiving in the strangest of places. I now know that Douw is reaching out to comfort me and give me strength. I cannot ignore the reality that his energy is all around me. I am so sad and exhausted from crying but know I will eventually be ok and am grateful I was blessed to have spent 20 years with the love of my life in this life.
Butterflies to you in abundance x x
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Dear Susan, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am grateful that my own story has helped you to have faith and feel his presence. One day, dear Susan, we will walk with our loved ones again. Feathers to you in abundance. Jami xxxx
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I would like to help you raise this amount for your cause. Will I be aloud to do that? I too have lost a little one and i would be glad to help and pledge as much of my support as possible towards this cause.
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Oh Andre, that would be wonderful. Any help at all is so much appreciated. xxxxx
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Hi Jami
What an inspirational article written by you Jami! As a mother who also lost a son in 2007, when he was tragically murdered on his wedding night at a Pretoria venue, I can also identify with the painful grief you shared in your article in the July 2015 issue of Woman & Home. Your positive approach is most encouraging and brave! It is never an easy choice for a family to face. Parents are never prepared for such a challenging event, especially concerning your children growing up in a sad world!
You courageously stated that life is short on this planet, and should be celebrated often. So true! Your happy memories will always add a silver line to the dark clouds that appear from time to time.
We, as a the family, namely, our two sons, my husband and myself, have also written a book, called Until We Meet Again, that is about to be published. It’s about our hope of meeting Mark again, to celebrate life in eternity. It has been a healing journey that we travel daily knowing that Mark is always close by.
We still experience painfully sad triggers on special occasions. Spending time in his memorial garden is most comforting, a place we visit often.
Beautiful flowers are always a sign of new life, and a reminder of the joy they bring, especially as we celebrated recent weddings of our two younger sons in Mark’s absence.
Thank you for being real as you positively shared how you all as a family have picked up the pieces. We do become stronger as we stand together as a family, a great blessing we never take for granted.
Heather Sandmann
Drama teacher (Pretoria)
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Dear Heather, thank you so much for writing. I am so pleased for you that you have written a book, I have found that through helping others with my words comes great healing and I hope that you will experience the same. The sadness will always remain, but one day we will walk with our boys again. Great love and strength to you and your whole family. xxx
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Hi Jamie. After hearing you on Classic FM I tried to buy your book from Amazon (KIndle Edition). I received response that it is not currently available for sale. Any idea why, or when it will be available again? Regards
Elsa Kruger
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Hi Elsa, whereabouts are you? Are you in SA? I will look into it, but in the meantime maybe you could provide an address and I could arrange for postage? Warm Regards, Jami
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Dear Jami, I have just finished reading your book. What a journey! I feel so desparate and cannot comprehend what you went through, but your strength is truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Lots of love Jess
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Hi…what to say…how to start? Your anniversary is looming. I know how you feel. I wish I could say I didn’t. That I was blissfully ignorant but I;m not. We lost our 14 month old in Dec 2012. You are right, it changes you. I want to say for the better. It makes you stronger. Makes you embrace life and teaches you the meaning of love and loss. Real life. I started a group called Project Butterfly for families living with loss. We created a memorial pathway in New Zealand. Now we are going to start a book called GOOD GRIEF. 365 ways to get through the first year of grief. I would love to illustrate your strength and grace, your book and story? What do you think? Check us out at http://www.projectbutterfly.co.nz I hope to hear from you 🙂
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Dearest Rebekah, I am so sorry I haven’t replied to your beautiful message. I haven’t been to my blog for ages because, you know, life. But your baby Mac is beautiful and your story really resonates with me. Please let me know any way I can help or be involved in your project. I am very passionate about helping others who are walking our path to heal, as you clearly are too. Thank you for reaching out, please feel free to use my story in any way that you need to. So much love to you. Your pictures of Mac made me think so much of Sam….I really do believe they are together now, and they are watching our progress with pride. With deepest love from my broken mommy heart to yours. Jami xxxx
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Dear Jami – I have just finished your book – too many parallels – my precious Son Samuel (Sam) – Sam I am – passed away one month ago this week – He was almost 16 months – I have been thinking of writing a book to share his story – his reach has been vast – but for now it is too raw. Thank you for sharing your story – maybe some day soon I too will have the words xx much love, Sam’s Mum Melissa X
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How funny that I look at my blog after much too long and there is a message from you, Melissa. All that time before our paths actually crossed. So much power and love from our boys.
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Dear Jami, I am 180 pages into my book, and then I found yours. I don’t remember how I came across it. My daughter, Elle, age 27, died on the island where we are living on 30 August 2016. While I can ‘hear’ that I am older than you, I am astonished how much of my experience, thoughts and observances coincide with yours. I left Cape Town as a 25 year old, so there are obvious connections there. Elle and I were extremely close and she struggled from the time of puberty. I am writing my life and hers as I knew it as a way to process that heartache I feel at her loss. We were away for 2 months last summer and about a week before our return she seemed to enter a crisis and while we were talking to her during this time, she put herself in harm’s way a day before our return. I, too, am spiritual, and she has left us a legacy too, a larger family, a lot of studying, and we are also setting up a charitable association. She passed on to her sister what she saw herself doing in the field of healing in her future. She wanted all the children of the island to have an opportunity to learn, through their 5 senses, what schools don’t teach them. I haven’t done any other reaching out as I am one of these people who believe in my own ability to cope and to learn, probably not a good intent, but how I operate best. There is accidental death of a child, and then there is the one where we are left feeling perhaps, if only etc. For the most part I am able to say, it is what it is.
Lots of peace and love, mountains rather of feathers and butterflies everywhere, Jennie
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hi Jami, I too am an Angel mom, 10 month in, missing my only son, Keenan, terribly. Thank you for sharing your journey, you have given me hope and inspiration!
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Hi Edwina, I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that Sam can help you to remember to look for the signs and feel Keenan around you when you need him. One day we will walk with our children again. Love and butterflies to you. xxx Jami
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I am presently staying in one of your cottages, a gift given to me by a closee friend. We had the opportunity to enjoy the tasting room and to sit in Sams garden. We had no idea re Sam, but now believe we came here for a reason..out of all the places to choose from, my friend kept comming back to yours. I have not stopped reading your book and it made me reaise what I am missing as I truly have not dealt with my sons death.. Thank you for making me realise there are things I need to do….Thank you Sam
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Thank you for writing. I am so happy that Sam has touched your life, and I pray that his life can help you to deal with your own loss. So much love to you xxx
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