The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek

I have book orders waiting to go out. I have found every excuse, every kind of denial, every form of self-sabotage to prevent myself from sending them. It is fear, you see.

Fear of the new path which focusing on my writing will set me on, of the changes it will bring.

Fear of not knowing if I will say the right thing in the inscriptions, some to parents who are dealing with the ultimate loss. Who am I to reach out to them, to try to offer comfort in any way. But how can I not?

Fear of the reality that when I sit with their pain I will feel it deep in my core, in the hollow which exists at your very centre when you have lost a child. It is a deep and cavernous place I must enter, as big as the Universe. No, bigger. As vast as a thousand Universes.

But go there I must, because therein lies the healing and the hope.

I dreamed of you last night, my darling boy, for the first time in a long while. You were back to Baby Sam, the smiling impossibly cute blue eyed soft skinned clever 18 month old that we so adored. All of us. I was blessed to spend some dream time with you. The dream did not have a happy ending. I tried so save you but again you drowned. Again I failed. But this time was different. I was able to sit with you and I felt tremendous calm.As my skin touched yours I could feel you were completely at peace, and so the blessed peace surrounded me too.

I  woke up this morning full of joy and purpose. I am ready to send your message out into the world, to reach those who are struggling in darkness. So today, at 11:11 on 11/11 I lit a candle and sat down to write. With tears pouring from my eyes and love pouring from my heart. I realise now, my boy, that this is how I save you. And thereby save myself.

I love you to infinity.

Mom xxx

If you believe that you or someone you know reads to read Sam’s story and find hope please send an email to Jeudi info@stanfordhills.co.za and we will guide you as to where you can find a copy, or we can mail you one direct.